Touch down blogosphere....11 months after

Okay, here's a brief welcome message to put it simply welcoming me back to blogosphere after an 11 months hiatus. What more? I've got the blogger app for iPad installed so I never have to worry about writing pads or tiny qwerty devices whenever the monster comes calling. For the novice, *whispers - the monster's this urge to write something - *. Anyways, I'm back rambling, a direct consequence of my regular musings. A caveat, excuse the grammatical blunders; the monster runs at a faster pace than the finger can match hence, dotted Is, crossed Ts, commas are the likely victims. Please bear with him. After all, he's only a monster :-).

That'll be it for now. 

Emotional tinz: hit n runz

Sometimes, I'm amazed when Siju talks about her past experience in the hands of men. The victim of about a dozen hit and runs as at my last count (yeah I know, it's better imagined what thoughts the revelations conjure up in my head when I hear them and believe me, it's anything but funny). Well, Siju's no baby; young but older than I am but still not enough justification for a dozen relationships I must confess. There have been times I've questioned her confidence or what better word would suffice for a lady telling about her past. Whatever happened to the adage, 'don't kiss and tell'? Hmmm. Maybe she's drunk on affection and finds it safe to share with me. If I ever ended up ditching this relationship, believe me it'd be more to do with being unable to live with the scary thoughts of many waters that've passed under her bridge. So far, I've not shown any indication of winching so she probably believes I take it in good faith. It's no wonder then when she heaps praises on my maturity asking sometime if I simply am not too old for my age. Hmmm, anyone who didn't know me would think I was a baby with feeder in mouth. Anyways, guys are not lost to my consciousness in the relationship drama too. I mean, how could one be so deceitful just for the sake of getting a lady's back on ground? In a game that's to me synonymous to trying to get a cat's back to touch the ground, in this case, a mattress best fits. Okay, I'm not tryna play the Holier than thou guy. If any, I already set the records straight with Jazee with an apology 2 years after thus ending the thoughts of someday getting bathed in acid while asleep :-). Plus, she's married (happily I hope) now like the others :-). I'm just surprised the length we (you) go as guys to taste nirvana the lustful way with little consideration for the emotional effect on ladies. True, there are ladies whose asking are for such but they are not the focus here. I'm talking ladies like Siju (the victimised one she paints) who guyz have hit left, right and center using all sorts of disguise some amazingly crafty, you wondered why nothing of a fraudulent term's been coined to describe their wit. Yet, these are not the works of ghosts o. It's guyz like you o. Even in my cycle, I know a few and till date, marvel at how crafty they are at this game. I heard once how lies sell in this game of relationships. How true given my experience in the hands of a few birds. It's seemed in many a case that the truth hardly gets you a heart. I mean, if you're a lady and reading this, how sexy or romantic is a guy whose routine involves pushing pixels, coding, watching true crime docus, no cinemas, no movies, no jack : just straight up solitary confinement at the most and to probably worsen it, enjoys it all :-)? Weeeeird! When matched with a life of outtings, movies, dinners then you get a better picture. Just to cap up the following, I've been told my life belongs to the 19th century :-). Well. what matters now is that Siju doesn't send. Maybe cos she's grown tired of finding prince charming which is by far a stark contrast from her current fiancee with 3 month old hair and beards, jeans and tee shirt fashion style if it qualifies. She's mentioned how weird I am but in a sexy manner. Back to the hit and run theme, my blood 'Jamba' once mentioned an episode in which he was chatting up this girl he'd just met. They'd gone deep into the conversation when they decided to exchange contacts. When he mentioned his name, she stood dead in her track, he had to double-check if he hadn't mistakenly mentioned he was 'lucifer' by name. Rather, he wasn't crazy and had rightly introduced himself as Jamba, his birthname after a saint in the Holy Books. She said she was sorry but the name held bad memories for her given her experience in the hands of a certain dude by same name. Hmmm. Now, here's where the story gets twisted as you wondered whether it appeared any guy with the name was the same dude who'd forever inflicted this deep scar. In my view, she'd probably seen the movie 'faceoff' right after or before the sour event. Moving on, life's surely what it is and we may never be able to tell what'll become of our relationships. For some like Siju, her heartbreak got to a point where she didn't even know if there was any piece left to break until I came along. Yeah that fateful day with my signature backpack holding a Macbook behind my back, tee shirt bearing Ozzy Osborne's face and a sneaker that now sits atop my wardrobe as a souvenoir with which I traversed the FCT tryna to sell my i-yearbooks. How time flies. Her focus now is on settling down the family way with a ring and babies. The way I'd rather it be though is a baby first then the rest but she says her faith disallows it. I wonder, does her faith not disallow of the adventures I'll stop short of speaking of? Or is this faith lost in the wonders of our exploits? We may never know! In a rather twisted irony, I sometimes dream of Bayo jnr more than the moment where we're dressed in white and suits before guests. Yeah, it's crazy I know. Time to grab a drink *wink*

After AM prayers

*yawn* glory to God for a new day. Whoever's been following the news lately surely knows it takes a miracle to be alive in Naija. I've been tryna gather my thoughts for an article on the BokoHaram crisis up North but that itself is stacked with a handful of other articles in the works. For an amateur writer as myself, it takes a good amount of time to structure even one piece especially if it's being prepared for public consumption. The fact that my flagship piece to Risenetworks didn't (hasn't) get published says a lot of the standards expected of one's write-ups. So, it really is a lot different from the raw stuvs I serve up on my blog. It even reminds me of the hard yet useful lesson I got from the "New African Writing" event back in February where my work was publicly critiqued. I left off knowing there surely was (is) more to writing than just merely combining words. In fact, I'd marvelled at the brilliance of other aspiring writers at the event wondering if I even stood a chance for the ebook anthalogy we were being shortlisted for (still awaiting its outcome). True, I'd made the first 15 from about 5 dozen entries but I still had to contend with 29 others in total. Anyways, still awaiting the outcome. I've since moved on going as far as entering for the creative writing workshop due sometine in August. I expect to meet with Chimamanda Adichie in person and possibly show her asa. Till then sha. Right now on my bed (standalone mattress *wink*), I'm tryna think up my plan for the day. As much as I still have on my hands, I need to clearly state what it is exactly I want to get done today. There's tons like I mentioned from pushing pixels to coding. Also, there are likley visitations to NICO to present updates and seek new resources as has been on my mind lately. A call to my contacts in NICO may well erase the need for trip to MAUlag. *sighs* running on a shoestring budget also means I have to meticulously plan my day. No planned meeting at KFC or any eatery today which is great news considering the cost of keeping the mouth busy in exchange for time to see out the meetings. *sighs* it's crazy man. I wish I could sit here and write all day but the reality's it won't put food on my table. Well, not until I define a commercial angle to it which could be in form of a product (book) or taking up a writing job on the side. Content development in the areas of 2D anime, mobile apps still serve the likely cash flows for now. Even then, work dey as it's not like the foregoing automatically translate to cash. I gotta work my contacts, sell myself and all. Anyways, gotta bounce. It's 8am.

Iro okan

A good friend and fellow by professional affiliation shared with me a while ago how he was close to being kicked out of the house. According to him, his dad had said he had until his 31st birthday to get a job and by extension his own apartment. The twist to the story is ny hommie was only a few weeks shy of his 31st birthday when he shared it. Ironically, he was nowhere close to finding let alone securing a 9-5. Rather, hommie shares the same game as yours truly here. While it can indeed be comforting to be part of a community of like minded players as I do courtesy of the IVD and the CChub, it nevertheless takes nothing away from the truth. That reality that has you queuing for BRTs in the mornings and jumping molues (the bigger ones that now run Oshodi to Mile2 can best be termed 'trailers' with 100 seating, 200 standing and at least dozens by the doors). That it takes a miracle to arrive safely at home everyday is surely not lost on my consciousness hence a public gratitude to God here before I move on. Arriving home to darkness, street food or junks before hitting the sheets only to wake up midway into the morning occasionally in cold showers of sweat that serve reality checks; or regularly with outstanding tasks appearing in form of dreams. Anyways, gratitude follows in short prayers. The next you already guessed. Cycle continues. Well, I was thinking lately if by chance my parents have been mulling any idea similar to the one handed to my hommie. Hmm, for all of dad's niceties, I'm not getting carried away. Siju's may well be sealed with a foetus *big grin*. Mum's already indicated this is the last year of support as she's helping to offset my debts. I recently sought her opinion on a poultry idea I woke up to in what I now describe as an epiphany gone wrong. Her instant response almost led to the typical mother and son fight. What I took home from the episode was a reminder that this house belongs to her (and dad): reality check 101. And so, just as I'd just begun to add the status of a farmer to my experience, it was cut short. Now that I'm mulling the idea of enrolling in a school of journalism (after reading Yemisi Ogbe's article, "Nigerians don't crash, we bounce") in the hope I can further make something of my writing in say investigative reporting as a freelance thus allowing me ample time for pixel pushing and coding, I risk being termed crazy. Not a bad label in my world if you consider the harsher "unserious" tag. *sighs* time to hit the road back to the metropolis aka chaosprolis. I have the original illustrations for asa's flagship but I'm due at the MAUlag tomorrow or Friday with an appointment with those folks I used to marvel at while within the four-walled security that the alma mater provided. Yep, the theatre arts is where I'm due to visit for some required resources. Hey, kudos to you Lai of the CCHub for the insight. Man, it is well. I reckon it'd be good to point Siju to this blog for updates but I gotta be careful for all the revelations herein. My honest confession is how hard it is for me to lie to my journals. This monster seeks nothing short of the truth in expression hence I'm obliged to serve it as is: fresh! So, I see the blessing in how the monster ties with asa even for adults given recent expressions of interest in my contents but I've either got to change its target user from kids or come up with something crafty for the agbas. Not yet for the latter as asa's yet to start with original contents though I have some fairly good ideas, trust me. The adult market is a good one too given I can serve uncensored contents without batting an eyelid :-). Nothing out of context in case the mind's wandering. But then, now that I touched on it, isn't it a wonder how the adult market (in the entertainment sense of it as you've rightly thinking *wink*) is left hardly untapped? I mean, anyone heard of the Australian pornopreneur whose niche market was for the physically challenged. Going further, I wonder who takes care of their needs here as I suspect our ladies-of-easy-virtues (it'd help their image if we referred to them with sweet sounding phrases) aren't as creative as the Australian. I'd seen the docu on cable sometime ago and marvelled at her brilliance (business wise). Well, 'what can I serve' is the question so I'm letting the thought off the hook as I'm not one for venturing into anything for the sake of financial gratification alone. Besides, no parent would allow their kids near my product if they knew my brand also catered for the adult market which daddy himself may be tempted to explore in secrecy. I mean, who wants to share same platform of indulgence with their kids? Crazy thinking but well within the boundaries of a qualified adult.

Midweek runningz

sh*t, 2 weeks without press ups and sit ups. Abnormal in my scheme of things but even more will the effect be felt when I eventually resume from the laziness that's had me give up on these daily exercise since I suffered my last burn out. *sighs* I'm en route B town to pick up some illustrations for Iyke's digital repaint. He'd mentioned the need for it while at the hub yesterday. "Arrgh" was my initial mental response knowing I'd have been saved this commute at the expense of some other pressing runnings had he mentioned it over the weekend while I was on a brief retreat (the term for any state that gurantees me of a good diet, cable tv and good rest). Anyways, gotta do what I gotta do; no complaints. Mom's already used it as an opportunity to sneak in an errand so I'm making a stop at grandpa's crib *hello Alhaji, how's heaven?*. Hmm, no response. Gues he's in the middle of his prayer. Anyways, should be a breeze except uncle M's in and we have to run a small check-in on the hustle cos we'r sorta playing in similar spaces if you know what I mean. Only difference I must mention is hommie has two kids and a hubby overshadowing the extent his returns in the game can cover. At the risk of sounding selfish, he's living his choice man. I recall what is today his burden (used postively) was yesterdays's love affair at its peak. Sorry Siju but maybe this forms part of who I am: unblind to love where the game's concerned :-). It's for our greater good, I must add :-).
What more, today feels like I'm not gonna get much done in terms of work. But hey, on the brighter side, I already did some stuvs this morning pushing pixels and keyframes for yet another module of the NICO project plus paper works and a mail to HIM. May well spend some time with ZEA or the Bully on my way back God willing. Maybe even swig some beers. Been ages I had the occasional indulgence. It's midweek I know but interestingly, my life knows little or no difference between weekdays or weekends. Little wonder, I don't buy into the TGIF cliche. I'm living and loving life as it is everyday, no difference. Here's hoping mom doesn't raise eyebrows over my hair. Hey, before you raise those eybrows too, I don't have a hawk style on. That's like wearing a tattoo: not even in my next life. Wait a minute, did I mention Siju talked of getting one!!! More on the issue later as I hope to specially dedicate a whole epistle to that. Back to the former. What I rather have on is a 3 months old haircut that's gone unattended to by a clipper. Call it an afro but my mum says otherwise. Dad's not said jack like he did when I had one back in High school (high kini? :-)). Okay, I'm aiite though. Just thought to wear a different look. I'll be making some significant appearances in less than a year from now and I've been mulling the idea of a Prof Soyinka kinda look. Against my aversion for glasses too, I hope to don a Pa Awolowo or ZIK styled spec to complete the academic look. Funny as it is same way it was when the idea first crossed my mind but here I am living it like every other one that started out from the abstract. *sighs* should I keep typing on this third screen or simply lay back moping in this crowded bus where I'm sardined between my compatriots? I'll settle for the heaven that I know in doing this :-). I think I may finally have a piece for naijastories in form of a peom thus finally ending my 6 months drought on the platform. I owe the platform man. Besides Asabe my early fan whose comments have spurred me onto this, naijastories itself represents a significant factor in what's become of this monster :-). Wow, I'm so loving doing this right now oblivious to the chaos around me. Feels like heaven man. Mom says she has a pot of beans waiting for me when I do get home Isha Allah. You don't want to know what the alternative woulda been had I stayed put at home in Festac. Oh, what price I have to pay for kitchen laziness. And to think I took home economics as a subject in primary school...hmmm. Anyways, there's a reason for all of this. Siju woulda been no fit were it not for her kitchen whiz. Okay, the reason it's not evident in my body weight's cos it's my stature plus me and her rarely see. Yeah, she's working duh! And just in case, you read somewhere in this same blog of a Siju in Jos with fam in Kd bla bla bla, I hope you get the whole picture by now. Forget the mystery for now. If yearning for a game, check with Maliyo or Gidi games :-). Yeah, I know the dudes behind the foregoing. Great inspiration to asa. Like Pledge 51, like Ithena...major motivation for moi. In God I trust so only a matter of time before I join the list of celebrated ones serving inspirations for those behind. Yeah man, Nigeria's home. Some of us were made for here. No complaints. Just straight making sense of what God's handed to us. Lemme switch to the likely piece for naijastories. This one's good to go.

The 'Monster' explained

*click* and it's out delivered to its recipient within seconds. Yeah man, I tire of vetting the contents of my write-ups soemtimes. Whether they be mails to friends, business partners or articles for publication, I simply tire of checking for dotted Is and crossed Ts; checking that the tone's within balance to guard against misconceptions. The latter's been the bane of a handful of dramas amongst friends. But honestly, how well have the dramas changed me. Put it simply, how have these loose checks on my mails cautioned me. Very little has changed I must admit. If any, I found healing from acknowledging to me that this drama well defines my person. For all the "better me" I've craved all my life, these very flaw proves my mortality. If anyone's not seeing beyond it then there's very little I can offer in explanation. For I find that the beauty that is of this life itself hinges on throwing caution to the winds sometimes. It's in my opinion the essence of friendship where our individual flaws are noted nd overlooked especially given more of the beauties we share. I'll be the first to admit I'm a horsea** before my peops even say so. For it's no surprise cos they know. But am I trying to justify my flaw let alone make a case for its acceptance much to the irritation and pains to friends. No! Rather, I'm just saying it as it is. Even more, admitting the effects of its dramas on me in the times it's backfired. Yeah, it says a lot that I lose sleep over the harsh effects my texts have had on friends. But lying down beating down on me is what I've learnt not to engage in much as it's been a challenge as a naturally insecure dude. If any, strategies that have helped shape my thought process in recovering and getting on with my life borrow from Joel Osteen's "Become a better you" where in one section, he spells out the essence of having deposits in our relationship accounts. Deposits of goodies we've done such that in the days where we make withdrawals in form of slip ups, we can count on a good enough deposit to balance our relationship else it suffers. Therein is the pain when a friendship or relationship goes sour for me. The painful realization that I may have made more withdrawals than deposits even without knowing. Sad as it is, the onus still is on the other party to let go even though I have no responsibility over how they choose to respond. I'm like screw it sometimes, you gotta learn to live with me. Not a few of my blood treat me this way so much that I'm eternally grateful for my life wold be zip without them personally and professionally. Relationships other than love-related ones with the opposite sex have counted for much of my success in life. And as I sit back reflecting on the last epistle sent to HIM, I pray God bears him the strength to overlook its tone. Yeah bro, curse me under your breath but let's keep this friendship going. Love :-).

When silence speaks

Arms folded across her chest, gaze fixed on nowhere, she sits watching me do whatever it is I do. As often as I can muster the will, I do my bit to share updates but her response remains static: blank stare then a long sigh afterwards. *sighs* I'm not psychic yet it doesn't take one to read her mind at these times. I see fears, concerns and maybe tiredness. Even more, I cook up a joke to wipe that look off her face but her wry smile marks the ultimate verdict to my attempts. Like her peers, she yearns for a ring and afterwards a real baby; not the one I claim to be working on all day and in the wee hours. Ironically, for all her worries, this is as much a baby as what she seeks. It's crazy I know and I've long accepted the label. Beneath those gazing eyes lie questions about tomorrow as her body clock sums up today's pressures. Questions that hint at whether this is how we'll continue living our lives. For how long and where's the line to be drawn, she ponders. But I have to play the man. Never mind that she's older than I am. I gotta hold firm never losing sight of my confidence as I assure her (and me within) that this is all for the greater good. In her eyes, it may seem an obsession or at the extreme, share idolatory! *silence* as I stop to double check that I truly haven't lost it...lol. Yeah, I manage a laugh behind those walls making her wonder if I'm anything but sensitive. She's tired of being strong and wonders whether I have any emotions left since I never betray mine even with the harsh realities of the game. I made my choice and I'm living it. Never complaining, never whining. Least and most I do is express gratitude to God. She's questioned my very faith on the basis of the manner I practice it. She wonders why I'm agnostic to what lies after here and why my daily routine's incomplete without a trip to tinybuddha.com wondering what it is an acclaimed Christian by affiliation (or believer by her narrowed definition) finds in a site that bears the title...lol. If only she could for once allow her ignorance a break. Yet, it never bothers me; not even our different faith IDs. Her depth of spirituality in Islam itself makes for my affection. I wrote once about the heaven I seek after here. That where each religion as we know here on earth represent communities. And so, I would as often as I can shuttle between the two major monotheistic religious districts spending time with mama, baba and Alhaji savouring the moments as I had once before their transition *smiles*. For now, heaven even here on God's green earth I try to live. Not solely as a matter of religious principle but rather, matters of the heart. Purpose is what dictates my choice. In this piece as with tons of others stashed away in loose sheets, electronic journals, diaries, notebooks, that which speaks of my heart's calling, I make bold to pursue. Chasing my true calling at the expense of that which Siju yearns for is itself my own heaven. Selfish as it sounds, she's a major component of this heaven of mine as I know today and if the forces of nature will, she'll remain so going forward. She's asked if it's about the money that I keep her waiting adding that she'll cover as much as she can for the home. I say no, it's not. She sees the typical male pride rooted in arrogance and denial. "Then what? What Bayo?" she asks in anger. "Is there another one?", she adds. "Another one ke", I mutter under my breath. While my insecurity may be responsible for much of my staying in line, I do also know from little experience how expensive living outside the line is. If only in material expense, it'd be bearable. But to add that the lifestyle also weighs heavy on my conscience, focus and time makes it one I steer clear of. Anyways, I keep mum and continue my mock up for the next asa story. That which Siju jnr and Bayo jnr will read. Before then, that which they'll be read hence, its vetting today by parents. If only she could just open her eyes wide, very wide. She retires to the same pose; hands folded across her chest, gaze fixed on me yet thoughts filled with questions about this mystery that is the man she's in love with.