When silence speaks

Arms folded across her chest, gaze fixed on nowhere, she sits watching me do whatever it is I do. As often as I can muster the will, I do my bit to share updates but her response remains static: blank stare then a long sigh afterwards. *sighs* I'm not psychic yet it doesn't take one to read her mind at these times. I see fears, concerns and maybe tiredness. Even more, I cook up a joke to wipe that look off her face but her wry smile marks the ultimate verdict to my attempts. Like her peers, she yearns for a ring and afterwards a real baby; not the one I claim to be working on all day and in the wee hours. Ironically, for all her worries, this is as much a baby as what she seeks. It's crazy I know and I've long accepted the label. Beneath those gazing eyes lie questions about tomorrow as her body clock sums up today's pressures. Questions that hint at whether this is how we'll continue living our lives. For how long and where's the line to be drawn, she ponders. But I have to play the man. Never mind that she's older than I am. I gotta hold firm never losing sight of my confidence as I assure her (and me within) that this is all for the greater good. In her eyes, it may seem an obsession or at the extreme, share idolatory! *silence* as I stop to double check that I truly haven't lost it...lol. Yeah, I manage a laugh behind those walls making her wonder if I'm anything but sensitive. She's tired of being strong and wonders whether I have any emotions left since I never betray mine even with the harsh realities of the game. I made my choice and I'm living it. Never complaining, never whining. Least and most I do is express gratitude to God. She's questioned my very faith on the basis of the manner I practice it. She wonders why I'm agnostic to what lies after here and why my daily routine's incomplete without a trip to tinybuddha.com wondering what it is an acclaimed Christian by affiliation (or believer by her narrowed definition) finds in a site that bears the title...lol. If only she could for once allow her ignorance a break. Yet, it never bothers me; not even our different faith IDs. Her depth of spirituality in Islam itself makes for my affection. I wrote once about the heaven I seek after here. That where each religion as we know here on earth represent communities. And so, I would as often as I can shuttle between the two major monotheistic religious districts spending time with mama, baba and Alhaji savouring the moments as I had once before their transition *smiles*. For now, heaven even here on God's green earth I try to live. Not solely as a matter of religious principle but rather, matters of the heart. Purpose is what dictates my choice. In this piece as with tons of others stashed away in loose sheets, electronic journals, diaries, notebooks, that which speaks of my heart's calling, I make bold to pursue. Chasing my true calling at the expense of that which Siju yearns for is itself my own heaven. Selfish as it sounds, she's a major component of this heaven of mine as I know today and if the forces of nature will, she'll remain so going forward. She's asked if it's about the money that I keep her waiting adding that she'll cover as much as she can for the home. I say no, it's not. She sees the typical male pride rooted in arrogance and denial. "Then what? What Bayo?" she asks in anger. "Is there another one?", she adds. "Another one ke", I mutter under my breath. While my insecurity may be responsible for much of my staying in line, I do also know from little experience how expensive living outside the line is. If only in material expense, it'd be bearable. But to add that the lifestyle also weighs heavy on my conscience, focus and time makes it one I steer clear of. Anyways, I keep mum and continue my mock up for the next asa story. That which Siju jnr and Bayo jnr will read. Before then, that which they'll be read hence, its vetting today by parents. If only she could just open her eyes wide, very wide. She retires to the same pose; hands folded across her chest, gaze fixed on me yet thoughts filled with questions about this mystery that is the man she's in love with.