Musings: Fear Factor

It's 3:44AM (May 16) here but funny I just looked down at the status bar and it reads 6 hours early (9:44PM, yesterday May 15). Yes, you guessed right, my baby is finally in my hands. I can't exactly tell how long this DELL's been gone (had to go through some repairs at the DELL lab in the States) without checking my journal but it sure looks within the range of 2 months, the 3 weeks delay in clearing at the airport inclusive. Anyways, here's my first blog from this baby in what now seems ages. Thank God for the hommie Bode, truly appreciate his efforts more than words here can say.

So, I was going through a piece on tinybuddha.com (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/start-the-climb-take-one-purposeful-step/) when I felt the urge to put this down. As with most of the write-ups I've come across on the site, I could relate to this too. I know this is not the last time I'll go through this particular piece given how much relation I feel towards it but then, my mind just sorta went into reflection mode after I went through it. Fear's one common thing that the writer tried to communicate and how best to deal with it. In my opinion, it was in summary, "baby steps" as it relates to tackling our fears and following after our hearts. It's interesting really how in some ways I don't think that I have much of a fear factor holding me back. True when it comes to my life generally specifically in the area of my career path. But when I go from the general to compartmentalizing my life then I can see some truths clearly. Even my career path of entrepreneurship where I attribute my greatest feat to in overcoming fear is itself without its own trace of fear today. While it's true that I've since gone past the stage of having to overcome fears or doubts to make real my dreams (still a work in progress), there's still no discounting those fears that still rear their heads even along the journey. As brave as some watchers feel I am to be doing what I do, I best know about what I have to deal with in my own fears. Without mincing words, I don't remember ever being the most 'secure' person. Rather, my insecurities have been all over me for as long as I can ever remember dating back to childhood. True, age and experience have had their own upsides to dealing with those insecurities, I've realized that it's only to the point of scaling down the degree of their sensitivity or gravity. To put it in context, I'm still that shy guy I've always been. And, it's not obvious today to many (except I point it out in which case some still doubt me) having come a long way from the guy that looked down at the ground (looking for God-knows-what!!!) or even at the skies (trying to spot UFOs maybe!!!), anywhere besides looking into the face of people. It's so much that I've stood before audiences of different sizes and stats to make presentations even against my short-comings in verbal communication (wrong mix of words, poor diction, fast talk...in anxiety). Concerning the latter, I've done best in the times I've practiced (lengthy) way ahead of the D-day. In the end, what I'm trying to bring out is the fact that in the journey towards fulfilling my goals, I've dared my own insecurities and gone ahead to do what needed to be done. I'm still that way till date for the simple reason that 'doing' is what helps with building one's self-confidence. It just is in the doing and nothing more. There are a couple of recent pointers that come to mind even as I type this and I'll run through a few as follows. 

There's the "New African Writing" reading session where I recall the presenter (Yona) had mentioned before the reading began if any writer would like to be excused from reading his/her piece before the audience. In another world, my hand woulda gone up first. But then this is a different world for me and so, I rather went up first, sat before the audience of established writers, readers, writers etc and did my thing as best as I could. I didn't die from anxiety neither did I from the harsh critics (in some cases) or even from the highness of the positive feedbacks. There's the pitch before the audience at the Tech-In ed where I even ended up with $2000 which serves Asa's goals even as I speak. There's the pitch before the Tolu Elumelu Foundation (TEF) where though obviously anxious, I still went on till the end. There are dozens more from the IVD where everyday was a pitch. And I can go on and on with the uncountable experiences from running Intentio playing multiple roles as with most founders of start-ups. In all of this, I've left feeling much more confident and better about myself. Going further, the feeling from the preceding is that which I've carried on to others and so, it's been a step-wise accumulative kinda growth process for me. All because I put myself out there regardless of my inner battles.

But away from my perception of my own courage in the area of fear, it's rather ironic that some of my closest peops don't share same. To better put this, it'd have to be in context, more reason I mentioned the compartmentalization earlier. See, it's that on the social front, my bois don't see a courageous guy in me. Not like they see a weakling or some sort. Rather, they see a guy that's a bit too fearful above normal to take do some things deemed normal even in the societal way. It just makes me laugh really when I hear words like, "you too dey fear" cos in my mind's eye, I'm a 'Hercules' given how much I'll break any barrier of insecurity to get what I want. So maybe, it becomes clear if I mention that my fear as they deem it have to do with vices (not the right word but used for lack of a better word) that normal guys engage in. And while this is not a blog that seeks to paint me as a saint, I know that I've lived every stage of my life engaging in most of the things that come with each stage (childhood, teenager, young adulthood). It's rather a case of maturity in my view. You know, that point in your life where some things just don't appeal to you for inexplicable reasons to anyone besides yourself. That point where 'normal' is not as defined by anyone even society but by my your guts - the inner you. That point where emptiness best describes the feeling that others see as nirvana in some acts. A part of me has long accepted me as being abnormal but it's a form of abnormality that I've sorta gracefully embraced given the inner peace it grants me. That's normal if you ask me. a positive diemnsion to these perceived insecurity is itself not missing as in my case. my latter reflections about my fears have had me counting its blessings in how it's helped shape a better me in balance. thus, our fears mat themselves balance us out between making the right or wrong choices. my own experience is such that i have often expressed gratitude for some things i neva manned up to do. for those things though driven by youthful exuberance or societla pressure or peer pressure have become habits for some that they fight till daye. it reps a blip that they struggle with ashamed to reveal in d open. for me, its been a case of not getting away with d consequence. first timers may not be as lucky as regular timers wen it comes to metting out consequences in life. its just not explicable. and becos i have rather lived with d mindset that i may never be able escaape d harsh realities of d consequences if dey wrong, i have at best stayed within d boundary of fear.

Then there's the superstitious fear that is common in our society. It's that kind of fear that has people living secretively afraid to blow their trumpets (even if humbly), make themselves into brands and even serve as inspirations for others. As much as we hate to admit it, many still cower in fear to the point that they can't share ideas, plans, goals etc. The mindset for them is one that speaks of 'things will go wrong if I speak about my plans etc'. And while I clearly understand the foregoing as I myself am not entirely guiltless of it, it still doesn't make it any less than what it is: fear. Fear of some invincible dark forces in bad-belle people working against the fulfillment of our goals. It's funny but that's an obvious truth in our society. Again, I feign no ignorance as to the need for anyone to keep their ideas or plans close to themselves. I'm just saying that to a large extent, the unspoken or less admitted truth is that many are paranoid. I'm not left out too. And believe me, I've heard the argument about how talking too much about your idea or plan sort of drains the energy off it (or you) and has you living up to it. In the end, what I believe as I reflect on it in writing is that it's all up to us. In practical terms, all this noise about Asa have only added fuel to how much I believe in it and want it to succeed. Its pictures that dot my third-screens, journals help cement the whole in my sub-conscious so much that I eat, sleep, dream and live it. I'm not scared of nothing! If any, for any invincible force out to act against it, they'd have to contend with an even greater force in me. But isn't that only true for one given to the fear? For me, I believe in what Brian Tracy (I think) calls an "Inverse Paranoia" - the feeling that the world is in giant conspiracy to work in my favour, for my good. It's thus the reason why for me, this public blog and a whole lot of what I'm about all act to work for my good. That's such a positive mindset I can feel the effect as I type this. There's more I want to write but my back aches so it's bye for now.