hmmmph [sighs]. I haven't felt like this in a while. Sort of just lost, undefined and in a state of fog. "Wasapning"? I ask myself yet the answer's anything but straight. Last night after a few hours of dance, ethanol and mingling with flesh, I grabbed my notebook, went up to the studio and did a bit of work or so as I could barely concentrate. Next, I was in my room crying out to God for rescue. I just couldn't place a purpose, meaning or direction to my pursuits. Yeah, a brother feels lost sometimes! This calling's a two edged sword. Shared my honest impressions with my colleagues and coaches yesterday. In summary, the whole atmosphere seems to be driving me crazy, eating at me and spurring pricking questions. This time last year, the GH was in play and we'd finally begun to make up for our investments. Myself and Joe would sit through hours attending to clients, munching on hot 'masara' and talking in between sharing gossips and laughing. How I miss the times. True, I yearned for a new experience even then given my adventurous nature but then, I enjoyed the times. Things are different now. No dime's been raked in months after months making 2011 a sharp contrast to the last 2 years. Plus, I can't seem to get a good grasp of any major personal project that could have me hitting the street to make a dime from. It's all just so static. Yet, I'm here staring at the fastest internet connection I've come across after the British Council hub (Hello Melaye). Plus, I have all this resources in books, humans and a comfy environment to cap it all yet nothing. I reckon I need a feel of the outside world. Abuja marked a difference from the insanity I'd grown to appreciate in Lagos and I was able to tap into its ambience for my entrepreneurial endeavours. This woulda come closer but in retrospect, it seems a bit too vague, fake and paints a picture of delusion. A delusion which in itself fosters paranoia with the outside world at its root. Yeah, the outside world. It's my reality check and I shouldn't have strayed this far from it, perhaps. I need a touch of the real world. A touch of the war out there with unemployment, insecurity, and poverty rife in the air. I need it to crank up this brains to get working on the next BIG THING. That which in itself is not without a struggle to reap success. Time's key here baby. I love this journey but even the journey scares me in times like this. The adventurer hardly shares tales of his struggles with coping with reality. A reality that presents a picture of being lost in a state of misdirection as to where, when and what becomes of his destination. Brave as it sounds to go this route, it's no fun coping with the fears when they come hard on you. My project's in limbo partly cos' I'm in a fix as to how to go about defining its path. In the end, only me can muster the strength to keep at my game. Only me can and will proffer solution to my "X" in this equation of life.
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